Driving

I enjoy driving. It's something I dreamed about doing as a little kid. I saw those who could operate a vehicle as demi-gods, people to be revered and envied. I went to Driver's Ed this fall, and now I'm driving. It's fun.

I feel like I look really cool when I'm driving from place to place. After all, there's 2 tons of steel under my control. Then I realize that I'm driving a 1999 Chevy Astrovan that's definitely seen better days. Definitely not a cool car. Let me explain why:

It looks like the picture above, only without the hubcaps. Those got stolen. I mean, seriously? The hubcaps? I found a set of hubcaps for a '99 Astro for $4.95 each on Ebay. These thieves must have been exceptionally stupid, as they didn't realize that the doors were unlocked and there was probably more spare change in the cup holders than those hubcaps were worth. But I digress.

The "cool" factor of this vehicle is pretty low. It's not a sports car. It's not a sports anything. It's more of a kidnapper van than anything else. I can't imagine someone standing in front of this thing in 1999 and saying, "Wow! What a stylish and up-to-date car!"

 So that way I compensate for that is to rev the V8 engine loudly when I leave a stop sign. It sounds kind of like a T-rex choking on peanut butter. "VVVVVBRRRRUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHMMMMMMM!!!"

Up until a month or two ago, the A/C blower fan casing was loose. If you turned the fan speed past "low", you'd hear a deep, throaty "MMMMMMRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOVVVVVVV" that would continue until you finally couldn't stand it anymore and turned off the fan. But within a minute or two you'd normally get too hot or too cold and turn it back on again. The combination of the "VVVVVBBBBRRRRUUUUUUUUHHHMMMMMM" of the engine and the intermittent"MMMMMMMRRROOOOOOOOVVVVV" of the blower fan created a din not unlike the apocalypse. People would stick their heads out of their windows as we drove by, wondering whether WWIII had started or else there was a herd of Brontosaurus fighting each other on their front lawn.

I firmly believe that the van is possessed by a small devil who hates me. This devil wants to destroy every ounce of dignity left in my body. So I just hunch over slightly in my seat, cringing as people see me drive past, pretending I'm driving something cool.